Friday, 18 December 2009

You'd Better Watch Out ...

It's official: the English language is under threat from small collections of words which contain a verb and an object wholly concerned with Christmas. The so-called Santa Clause has forced authorities to declare a sliding scale of holidays between now and the end of January, according to susceptibility to rogue clauses. Teachers, through familiarity, are the worst affected and therefore will be absent from their workplace for five weeks.

The most common side affect of people affected by the Santa Clause is an overt jolly nature and the desire to call for multiple quantities of garden implements, most often hoes.

In issuing warnings, authorities have suggested that those affected by the Santa Clause should engage the services of the Christmas Cricket (pictured) from Dec 26th, maintain a prone position on comfortable furniture for the following five days and only rise from their position when wooden structures are dishevelled before their eyes, when suitable cold liquid sustenance is exhausted, or in the event of experiencing hotspots.

Victorian health authorities have warned the public that sensible self-administration of medicinal pizza and the distasteful fizzy, frothy, burpy Amber Liquid Energy drinks may not be enough. Carers have been urged to be understanding and overly lenient during this time.

You have been warned. Good luck and God bless.

Merry Christmas.

15 comments:

  1. Oh it's Boxing Day, and it's fucking on!! What time and where Stop and lads? I am as keen as mustard.
    Just to add to my tale from last week's cricket when I had my first golden duck. This week I added to the jewellery by receiving my first in the diamond variety. That's right I strode out and let my partner face the first one which he stroked to the off side and immediately called "YES". I assumed he had hit the gap and took off. Apparently he was so keen to get off the mark the fact he hit it straight to cover meant nothing. I got half way down the track when I realised my perspective on the field may have been a bit skewed and I watched the fielder gather and underarm the ball to the keeper who calmy took the bails off as I streched in vain. I then began the long walk back to the pavillion for the second time in a row having witnessed only one ball of the innings. Once again not a nice experience but I at least have the opportunity to blame someone else for my demise over the xmas break.

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  2. captain blood statue, out front of the exit of the punt road social clubs.
    9ish.
    i get the 8am train from mordi (last carriage) get off at richmond and walk to the swann st bottlo, back to the park via the back streets that take you past the c/arms.

    bummer on the jewlery... will rag you mercilessly on the day

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  3. Lango, expect there to be either: widespread looting of desolate shopping centres around melbourne as anyone worth the salt in their sweat is at G cathedral.
    or,
    no other news reports out of the capital of culture apart from those that interest the viewers here.

    at 27c, i'll throw up a figure of... 71,286 on THE day.

    anyone else care to take a stab at a figure?

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  4. 43,789 for B day

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  5. that would be a BIG dissapointment mate.
    should be over 60 no matter what.
    perfect weather, and the fact it is such a tradition... your thinking with your adelaide head. :-P

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  6. Fair enough.
    46,765 then
    He He

    By the way; do I need to pre-buy a ticket? Can't get hold of Sledgie to ask.

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  7. i am gonna change and say... ...67,436!

    we'll be ok getting the tix at the gate.

    thanks on breaking up my teams on fantasy cricket too mate! ;-)

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  8. Wish I could be there!

    I'll be taking the eldest to the opening day at the SCG in the suggestive afterthoughts of the New Year. As a keen player himself, I thought he'd like the ticket for Christmas. Its ten years since we attended together - way after the use by date!

    I'll imagine you in the crowd boys as I steal clanches at box at the sister-in-laws on the Ali Day.

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  9. i will post pix... via phone if i can fernangle it!
    keep an eye out

    have a good one with the outlaws Lango. :-P

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  10. My prediction for Boxing Day is 58,943. Pakistan to win the toss and bat and be 6 for 250 odd at stumps.

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  11. How many pies will they sell?

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  12. Clarke to win the toss, bat and Pakistan to be 1 for 13 at stumps

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  13. 36,000 pies.
    274,821 cups of watered down goat urine.
    3 arrests, and 40 ground evictions, (41 if my brother finds form again!)

    i'm with Nospmas and say Paki toss win, bat (as you do!) 7 for 293 at stumps.

    would love to see Kaneria bowl though... mmm, legspin!

    just saw Waston video... oh dear, no call ups to Hollywood in the future for this Shane! worst acting EVER!

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  14. ...only 1 streaker this year!

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