You'd Better Watch Out ...

It's official: the English language is under threat from small collections of words which contain a verb and an object wholly concerned with Christmas. The so-called Santa Clause has forced authorities to declare a sliding scale of holidays between now and the end of January, according to susceptibility to rogue clauses. Teachers, through familiarity, are the worst affected and therefore will be absent from their workplace for five weeks.

The most common side affect of people affected by the Santa Clause is an overt jolly nature and the desire to call for multiple quantities of garden implements, most often hoes.

In issuing warnings, authorities have suggested that those affected by the Santa Clause should engage the services of the Christmas Cricket (pictured) from Dec 26th, maintain a prone position on comfortable furniture for the following five days and only rise from their position when wooden structures are dishevelled before their eyes, when suitable cold liquid sustenance is exhausted, or in the event of experiencing hotspots.

Victorian health authorities have warned the public that sensible self-administration of medicinal pizza and the distasteful fizzy, frothy, burpy Amber Liquid Energy drinks may not be enough. Carers have been urged to be understanding and overly lenient during this time.

You have been warned. Good luck and God bless.

Merry Christmas.